


To Learn

by MCUsic_to_my_ears



Series: DID Doesn't Mean Undone [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Incredible Hulk (Comics)
Genre: Altered Mental States, Anxiety, Brian Banner's A+ Parenting, Bruce Banner Feels, Bruce Banner Has Issues, Bruce Banner Needs a Hug, Clint Barton Is a Good Bro, Confessions, Coping, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Eventual Happy Ending, Fear, Gen, Jarvis (Iron Man movies) is a Good Bro, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Panic, Phil Coulson Is a Good Bro, Protective Bruce Banner, Protective Tony Stark, Secrets, Steve Rogers Is a Good Bro, Thor Is a Good Bro, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Is a Good Bro, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-28
Packaged: 2018-12-05 13:01:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11578596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MCUsic_to_my_ears/pseuds/MCUsic_to_my_ears
Summary: After confronting Bruce about some differences they've noticed, the Avenger's learn the explanations behind them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Be aware: I do not have DID. I do not personally know anyone with DID (or if I do, they haven't told me/I haven't recognized it). I am also not a psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist or counselor of any sort. But, I do put an unorthodox amount of research into any of my works. I have watched countless videos of people who do live with DID, I've read the literal DSM to make sure I'm getting this right. I've looked into the causes of DID's symptoms in the brain and their outer expression.  
> And if all of this still leaves me with shortfalls that you, the reader who knows more than me, recognizes, then please tell me so that I can adapt the story to account for that.  
> (Although I should note that DID is different for everyone and I might've chosen to not, for instance, have NPCs in the Inner World, even though I'm aware that it's a possibility.)  
> Finally, if you want to learn more about DID, please ask me and I can either explain something to the best of my ability or send you somewhere that does a better job.  
> Thank you so much for reading! I hope this is educational as it is entertaining!

"So, thanks,  assuming you guys got this far by listening and Tony didn't find a way to hack his own AI." The Bruce in the recording took a deep, fortifying breath. "I have something, a mental illness, called Dissociative Identity Disorder. It used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder, for those of you who were alive on Earth recently. It's what Sybil had in the movie about her, if that helps. It basically means that there is more than one person functioning in my head that can control my body. You guys are probably thinking, 'Well, duh- the Other Guy.' But that's not it, or, only it, and besides, he basically has his own body now. I wouldn't doubt that he has his own alters." There was a beat of silence,  in which Steve, Thor, and Clint all noted something on their tablets, then, "That's the word for the other people in me. Alters” The three of them deleted whatever they'd written down a moment before. “Some call them personalities,” Bruce continued, “but that's not giving them enough credit, at least not in my system. There are eight people in here, including me, including the Other Guy. Well, technically there are more, but you're only ever going to see eight.” Several ‘Why?’s were written down. “There's me. I'm the host, the person who is interacting with the outside world the most. I was also the first born child- the original person in here- as far as I can tell at least. I wasn't on the surface between the ages of four and seven, but I have memories from before then.

"Um," he cleared his throat uncomfortably. "So then you guys all know the Other Guy. He's- in the House everyone calls him Savage Hulk, but I'm pretty sure he didn't have a name, especially not that one, before the accident that gave him a physical body. But the Other Guy, that's what I always called him, is still a little kid. We were pretty interchangeable when I was younger, but then I kept growing up and he didn't.” His words were calm, but there was clearly some guilt behind his statement. “I think that he was born when I was three, that he was the first split for me, and that he was there to kind of… shield me from my dad. It must've gotten bad because I'm pretty sure he was the only one on top from when I was four to seven. 

“No, that's not true.” They could practically hear the doctor shaking his head. “I think that he was on top at home, Doc Green was on top at school. Always was. It wasn't until foster care that I was actually conscious at school, and even then I wasn't in control of the body for the majority of my fourth grade year. I just kind of watched. It's called co-consciousness.” After a quick Google search, Tony found the answer to the question that he and everyone else was wondering about. The recording of Bruce didn’t wait for them to catch up. “It's the kind of thing that psychologists strive for in DID patients, but I- or my system had- pretty much mastered it before middle school. Anyway, Doc Green went to school. He's smart, but kind of focused slash obsessive, not great for conversation,” the (apparently) other doctor listed. “You met him once Tony. He hadn't been on the surface for years since we were on the run. Well, he worked before the whole Culver-Harlem fucktastrophe, but after that, he wasn’t on the surface... When he saw you, met you, whatever, Tony, he was kind of anxious, so he didn't say anything. It was kind of stupid for me not to lock the lab down since I knew that he was likely to come to the surface if I did that kind of research. I was just sort of used to him staying in the House. So, Doc Green, who believe it or not got his name before the Gamma Accident, is one of my 'research alters'. The other one's name is Rick Jones. He does the monotonous boring stuff. Like putting samples into test tubes or recording data. We're usually co-conscious, but he's driving the body and I'm just adding to his thoughts and processes when he needs it. Sometimes I'll just drift through. Or dissociate. That's the technical term, I guess. But yeah. Me and Rick spend a lot of time co-conscious and so do me and the Doc. That's probably another reason I wasn't concerned about him coming out if he did. But like, he came to the surface so fast that he kind of... knocked me off my perch. Usually, my switches between alters are pretty slow since I dissociate slowly and they're all pretty anxious people anyway, so I wasn't expecting it and I went into the House without a choice. It’s kind of like falling backwards when I switch, almost into a sleep, but I still have my eyes open. If you’re trying to recognize it, the body might stare off into space for a little bit, then blink and then bam! New person on top. 

"Anyway, moving on. I have an Inner Self Helper named Jen. She's kinda like an older sister to me and it's nice because she'll clean up after to me if I forget to. Then I have an alter named Joe Fixit. It's not clear to any of us if he's supposed to be a protector or like a co-host or something. He's always been around. I played with him when I was little. He's like a brother, I guess. Or a best friend. I don't know." Bruce was quiet for a moment. 

“I thought he said there were eight J…” Tony started, glancing through his notes and questions. 

"There are two others,” Bruce continued suddenly, after collecting himself. “And you guys haven't met our kid-” Natasha’s eyebrows came together in thought, remembering a late night in the labs. “-For a lot of reasons, but mostly because he's scared to death of males and so he avoids everyone whenever he's out. He didn't start coming out until I moved into the Tower, actually, because before that he only acted as a memory holder. That's not true, he  _ still _ acts as a memory holder, a fragment, but he started coming out so that makes him more like an alter, at least in my system. Jen tries to stay with him when he’s on top and in control of the body, but I've never actually met him, I just know when he’s  _ been _ out and-" 

Bruce cut himself off, running out of air since his words were coming out faster than he could control. After a deep breath, he said flatly, "Robert is a seven year old boy who was born to remember my mom's death and to keep me from knowing what actually happened. All I do know is that I woke up for the first time in years in the back of a police car that was taking me away from her dead body." His voice ended up strained, but he wasn't crying. "If he's ever on the surface around one of you, you just need to leave the room. Jen’s told me that he knows JARVIS well enough now that he can direct Robert to a safe place so that Jen or someone else can get onto the surface. It’s really important to us that he’s safe because he’s the only memory holder that leaves the House, so if we ever do work to a point of memory transference- or memory sharing- he really has to feel safe. Plus he’s still a little kid, and he’s actually the only other person in the alter portion of our system that’s that young. Except for the Other Guy. From our estimates, he got stuck at ten and just stopped aging. But he’s not as articulate as most ten year olds, so maybe he’s younger.” Bruce trailed off, thinking before he explained softly, “Robert’s non-verbal, so it can be really hard for him, but I don’t know if he doesn’t talk because he’s a memory holder or because of the memory he holds. We have a couple other memory holders who are more fragments, unlike Robert, but he’s still really two-dimensional and that sounds really mean, but it’s the best way to describe it. 

“Um, so before I get to a couple of the memory holders, if my therapist gives me the A-Okay, there is one other alter. His name is Devil. Not  _ the _ devil, but capital ‘D’ Devil, and no that’s not an innuendo, please never bring that up to him. He’s a protector, but he’s not really- he holds all of our ‘resentment’ or whatever. That’s how Joe describes it and he knows and can communicate with all of my alters. But Devil’s violent, probably more so than the Other Guy if he didn’t have a larger body that gives him the ability to cause more damage. It kind of scares us that you guys are shaping him into a fighter when he’s still so young and we can’t communicate with him all that much, in all honesty. Jen and Joe are better at it, the whole talking thing, but he’s the closest to me for whatever reason and it’s really hard for me to talk with him and-” Bruce took a deep breath, held it, and then slowly let the air out. Steve gave a sympathy grimace at his panic, setting down his tablet for the moment. 

“And that’s what I have a therapist for.” There was another pause. “Sorry. So, Devil's bad news and if he comes out, you might want to limit his contact to one person, preferably someone that can take or, better yet, avoid a punch… so really any of you guys. But he does better in one on one situations from what we can tell. He hasn’t hit my therapist in like, three months, so we’re pretty sure he’s getting better at redirecting his anger. But it’s hard to tell. He doesn’t really come out except in therapy. At least, he hasn't recently, since we’re no longer on the run and, um, no offense, but Thor was off world for like three months straight. He’s really anti-Thor. 

“But Devil is a risk at times,” Bruce warned, “and we’re not always able to keep him in. Sorry about that. And sorry that this has been a huge info load. Um, I’ll probably record a few more of these, but my therapist is giving me a ‘You’re Done Now’ look and he’s probably right in indicating that this was emotionally exhausting and that I should go home and… sleep or something. This was nice to get off my chest even if I do never share it. Thanks.”

A heavy silence fell over the room. 

“JARVIS, are there more?” Tony asked finally. 

“There are three more, sir. This was the longest though.”

“Start the next one in chronological order,” the engineer ordered. 

“I cannot, sir.”

“Why-?”

“Dr. Banner has required a short question and answer session between each recording,” the AI interrupted. “He will answer a majority of the questions himself, as he is already watching this room through a live feed, but he has a few 'frequently asked’s that he has given me so he may focus on others. He requests that all, I quote, ‘mushy’ questions be saved for a later date where they may be, again I quote, ‘swallowed and forgotten.’”

Everyone looked down at their notes. “Steve, you want to go first?” Natasha asked. The Captain nodded, letting out a deep breath. 


	2. Chapter 2

“Can you  explain what Dissociative Identity Disorder is, a little bit more?” Steve started, looking up from the beginning of his notes. There was a pause, then JARVIS announced, “Dr. Banner has pre-answered the question  _ What it DID? _ ”

Immediately, a recording of Bruce showered down on them. “It’s when more than one person lives in one body and can control that body. It’s not just having extreme emotions or being schizophrenic and hearing voices. It’s literal people that were born due to real issues and those voices happen to live in my head. They’re valid people, I reiterate, I didn’t make them up. They were born into the same body as me instead of their own.”

Steve nodded, “Can you tell him thank you for us, JARVIS?”

“Of course, sir,”

Steve waited a moment, before he asked, “Why didn’t you tell us sooner?”

“This is another FAQ. Dr. Banner recorded," JARVIS explained before Bruce's voice began, ‘"It’s a deeply private thing to have other people living in your head and it’s kind of a group decision to figure out what we want you to know and since we don’t really have team meetings… It just wasn’t ideal. I really don’t have one good excuse other than the safety of our system.”

“What’s a system?” Steve replied immediately, forgetting that Bruce wasn’t in the room with them. There was a pause before Bruce, not a recording, answered, “It's the community of people in my head. So instead of us all being a singular person, we’re a system of people. I’m one of those people in that system.”

Steve continued, falling to a rhythm of questioning, digesting and repeat. “What are alters?” 

Again, JARVIS just patched Bruce though and his answer came through the speakers. “They’re the other people that live in my head, in the House. They split off from me when I was younger, and now they're basically their own people. I’m not exactly objective with this though, so you might just want to Google it.” 

“Okay, um, so what is the House? You reference it a lot and-”

JARVIS interrupted with a recording. “ _ What is the House?” _ the AI intoned, before beginning Bruce’s short response. “I have a recording on this if you’ll wait.” 

Steve looked at his other Avengers. “We can wait. Next is why are we only going to see eight, um, alters?”

“The others only live inside the House,” Bruce explained. “They’re mostly memory holders. Well, they're only memory holders. So they don’t leave my head in any permanent ways.”

“What are the implications if you aren't the first born child?” Steve continued, after taking a moment to fit Bruce’s explanation into his understanding of the disorder. He was fairly certain he'd heard about studies surrounding the... illness, or something similar to it, back when he was in and out of the hospital before the war. 

“If I wasn’t the first born then it just means that I wasn’t born first and that somewhere in the House, there’s a person that was there first. Like I said, I’m pretty sure I’m the original person, the host and also the core personality. I’m a pretty big deal in terms of our system.” He laughed a little before JARVIS cut off his microphone. 

“Why do you have other people in your head?”

JARVIS began another recording named,  _ How did you get DID? Is that the normal way?  _

“There is only one way to get DID and that is through  _ deep _ abuse in your childhood. A person can only get DID if their first alter splits off before they are five years old, so it has to start early and it has to be bad. After that, you pretty much lose the flexibility of mind that allows you to have that survival method. It’s like fight or flight, but instead, you dissociate so strongly that someone else takes over your body. I didn’t even notice.” His voice was grave and there was a long wait before Steve asked, “Why were you unconscious from four to seven?”

“Dr. Banner would prefer not to answer this question,” JARVIS replied. “He sends his apologies.”

There was a silence surrounding the Avengers. 

“Is he good, J?” Tony asked softly. 

The AI responded immediately, “Yes, sir. Dr. Banner simply does not feel comfortable answering that question. He feels that without consulting his alters, he will not be able to answer well or accurately. It may be possible for him to trigger some of his alters or memory holders, as well.” 

Tony nodded thoughtfully, sighing. “Okay. Steve, go ahead.”

The captain watched him for a moment. “You’re sure, JARVIS?”

“Yes, sir.”

Steve took in a deep breath, “Okay Um, you said that the Hulk didn’t have a name before he- Why did that- How are you supposed to… get names?

“Yeah, so, in my system, everyone’s born with their name. The Other Guy just wasn’t. It could be because he was my first split, but we don’t really know. So he got his name from the physical world when he got his own body. I think some of the others called him the Savage One before that, and so they just combined the name. I’m not really sure why though.”

Steve continued, falling back into the rhythm. “How is the Hulk not aging a possibility? You say that we should consider your… alters as people, but people age and if he doesn’t and if the- if Robert doesn’t, then… I don’t know.”

“Robert doesn’t age because he doesn’t need to hold that memory. The Other Guy… He was born to take a lot of the abuse I was getting, to be a replacement for me when it got to be too much. He had to age to be an acceptable replacement. I guess he just kind of stopped when the abuse did.”

Steve looked around the room, knowing they were all thinking what he was. His mother was killed when he was seven, that’s when the abuse should’ve stopped. The Hulk was ten years old. 

“Okay,” he cleared his throat, “You used the phrase ‘on top’ a lot. Can I get a definition? I mean, I have an idea, but I’d like to get it straight from you.”

“On top for us means in control of the body. Which is a synonym for the more common phrase ‘fronting,’ but we don’t really use it, since it doesn’t feel completely accurate to how starting to control the body feels. For other systems it might mean co-conscious, but not for us.” 

“Thank you. Can you explain co-consciousness?” he questioned, feeling more confident as Bruce’s voice became more relaxed. 

“It’s like a car,” Bruce started, he sounded like he was reciting something. “Or, at least that’s my favorite metaphor. Think of the body as a car. I can be driving, physically moving and controlling the body. I can be in the passenger's seat, acting as a backseat driver, not putting my foot on the gas or touching the steering wheel. I can take the GPS and program it to where I want us to go, but since I’m not in the driver’s seat, I can’t make the car move and I don’t make the final decisions, no matter how much I suggest a path, it won’t necessarily be the driver picks. I can only watch and hope to help change the driver’s mind if I don’t like where we’re headed. If I’m sitting in the back seat, I might not be paying as much attention or trying to affect our course as much, but I can still help out of the person driving wants it. I can also be in the trunk. I can feel where the car is going, hell I can kick out the brake light and see where it’s been, but I can’t actually do anything about where the car is going.” His voice had started to take on a melodic tone, but no one thought anything of it. 

“Why-”

“One moment, Captain Rogers,” JARVIS interrupted. 

Everyone fell silent. Tony looked up from his tablet, where he’d slowly been crossing out questions off like the rest of them. He took a deep breath. “Update J,” he requested softly.  

“One moment, sir,” the AI repeated. 

Tony was a 'moment' away from jumping to his feet when Coulson gave him a sharp look. 

“Sir, please ask a question relating to your latest project.” 

The engineer glanced at JARVIS’s nearest camera with hurt curiosity in his eyes. “What sorts of materials are we looking at to ground and dispell strong bursts of energy in the suits?” 

“Thank you, sir.” Then, almost a minute later, he continued, “Dr. Banner has a quick explanation.”

“So, Jen has been co-conscious with me since lunch and normally I don’t switch unless I actually have a reason to dissociate. If I’m focused on something, like talking to you guys, I shouldn’t switch, but apparently, the switching metaphor isn't thought consuming enough for me. Or maybe it was meta enough that I just slide over into the passenger’s seat and Jen grabbed the wheel and put her foot on the gas. I wasn’t trying to, but us and our therapist decided that I have to be the one on top for this. But yeah, sorry for that. And thanks for drawing me out Tony. Science is one of my positive triggers, so me and Jen were able to switch places much more quickly, no awkward wiggling needed.” Bruce laughed as if this was a joke or something. Steve felt kind of horrified that Bruce would think that, but it wasn’t the captain’s place to change his friend’s mind. At least not yet. 

“Are you good to go Brucie?” Tony asked. 

“He is, sir.”

“You sure you don’t want a break, big man?”

Bruce’s voice cut it. “I’m good, Tony. This happens all the time, you just didn’t know about it until now,” he promised. Tony slumped back into his chair, huffing out an insulted breath. 

“Steve, you can keep going. I’m assuming that everyone else is getting some of their questions answered too?” 

There were several affirmations from the others before Steve asked, “I, um, guess this is a bit timely, but why is being co-conscious good?”

“Oh, yeah. So, from a therapist's point of view, it means that our system is more cohesive and that we bleed over more. I guess it’s good, but it’s just normal for us. The main reason I like it is that then I’m not missing as much if I’m not driving.”

"About that. Earlier you said that you and, um, Rick are usually co-conscious, and you’re just ‘adding to his thoughts and processes when he needs it.’ Could you please elaborate on this?"

“So. Rick is driving, right? When that happens, I’m not in the passenger’s seat. I’m in the way back, but not the trunk, and I can’t really see the road. The only way that I help drive is if he ‘asks me’ for information and then I’ll share what I know with him. Does that help?”

“Yes. Thank you,” Steve smiled brightly. “Moving forward. What’s an Inner Self Helper?”

“It’s an alter who is generally rational. Jen's one of our best communicators when it comes to being able to talk to anyone in the system. Joe’s better, but he’s been around longer. She gives advice and probably spends more time co-conscious than I do. She’s probably answered half of your questions so far in my head and I’ve borrowed what she’s said. But don’t think that I’m not paying attention,” Bruce rushed on, “JARVIS wouldn’t let any of the answers I give through if I weren't on top.”

Steve looked at his tablet for a moment, “It’s kind of delayed, but you can have girl alters?”

“Yeah. It’s pretty normal for people with DID to have alters with multiple genders. That doesn’t mean I’m a girl or I’m gender fluid or whatever. It just means that a girl lives in my head and uses my body sometimes. She’s not that body dysphoric, though, so she doesn’t really take issue with it.” 

The soldier considered it for a moment before he continued. “Did you have a child in your head?” 

“Like give birth? No. Robert’s a kid that lives in my head in the same way that Jen is a girl that lives in my head.”

“Then why is he a kid?” 

“He’s a kid because he was born to remember my mom’s death. My mom died when I was seven, so he’s seven. He’s always been seven, he’ll probably always be seven and that’s just how it is.” Bruce’s voice sounded strained, and he was clearly defensive. 

“Sorry,” Steve said softly. “I didn’t mean-”

JARVIS interrupted, “Please ask your next question, Captain Rogers.”

“Right. What's the difference between alter and fragment or memory holder?” 

“Alters are more developed people. They have intricate back stories that they were born with. Fragments only serve one purpose. Either can control the body. Robert’s in a kind of gray area because I don’t know if he’s becoming more than just the memory he holds. I’ve never really talked to him.”

Steve nodded. “What is the point of memory transference?”

“It makes a person with DID less plural and more singular. Like if one of my other memory holders were to give up the memory they hold to someone else in our system, then I don’t think they would necessarily stick around. But that hasn’t really hasn’t happened since I was young, so I couldn’t tell you. More often though, it’s just like, I could be in the House and Jen could be on top, watching some rom com. If someone walked in on her and told her something important that would necessitate me being on top, she could give me those memories so I could navigate the following conversation.”

“And you can talk to the others? Just at any time?”

“Kind of. If I’m in the co-consciousness car with someone else, anywhere but the trunk, then I can talk to anyone in the car that isn’t in the trunk. And if I’m in the House, it’s different and I explain more in that recording.”

Steve shifted uncomfortably. “I wasn’t aware that you have a therapist,” he stated, trying to be as neutral as possible. 

“Yeah, I do. Through SHIELD. He’s the one who diagnosed me officially, but we knew for a while. We had the internet in college, we put it to good use.” He didn’t sound upset, but he also didn’t seem excited to share. 

Steve folded the case over the top on his tablet, smiling tightly. “That’s it for me, um, I’m not sure who will cover the most ground next, since I think I’ve gotten us pretty far.”

“That would be Mr. Stark, sir,” JARVIS informed. 

“Cool. Are we in need of a digestion break anyone?” Tony asked. “I can get some beverages or snacks sent here or up to you Brucie?”

“I think we’re all good Tony. Unless you need something, Dr. Banner?” Coulson articulated slowly. 

“I’m fine. JARVIS has already offered a couple of times anyway.”

“Good man, J. I’m going to kick my interrogation with: how long have you known that you have DID?”

“The others have known we had it since middle school. I figured out it wasn’t normal in high school and I diagnosed us in my sophomore year of college with Joe’s help. We were officially diagnosed last year, probably two months after New York.”

“And since Steve is too nice to ask, why isn't having DID in your SHIELD file?”

“A couple of your higher ups know. Fury, Sitwell, maybe some others. My therapist knows and he works for SHIELD. Coulson doesn’t know because I asked that he didn’t know about it since it would change team dynamics. I did say I’d tell you guys eventually. And, hey, look at that, it’s eventually.” Bruce’s laugh was cut off as JARVIS pulled the audio, but Tony was glad that his friend was happy.” 

“Is it a good or bad thing to be the first born child? ‘Cause you said you’re also the core and host personality, and those both sound great, but first born literally just sounds ominous and Steve is giving me the ‘Shut up, Stark, you’re rambling’ look, so I’ll turn it over to you.”

Bruce snorted, but replied, “I honestly don’t even know if being the first born is good. I just know that everything about this tends to suck at times.”  

“Sorry to be a downer,” Tony murmured before he cleared his throat. “Why is Doc Green the only one that went school?”

“That was what he was split off to do. I mean, Jen was born to deal with people socially at school. I don’t think you understand that I wasn’t in charge of my body for a  _ long time _ . Someone had to pick up the slack.” Silence washed over the room. 

“Shit, maybe someone else should go.”

“You’re doing fine, Tony,” Bruce assured him. “I’d rather you all get a crash course now than have to constantly be giving you new information instead of refreshers or more in depth explanations.” 

“In that case, can I get a crash course on whether protector a technical term or not?” Tony joked. 

“Yeah, it is. It means that they protect the core personality. That’s mean.” Tony could practically hear Bruce frowning. “They can be annoying sometimes if you want to deal with your own problems, but it’s the thought that counts.”

“And how do you not know how old Hulk is?”

“I just don’t. None of us do, I can’t really explain it.” 

Tony could hear Bruce shutting down for real for the first time. “Do you need to take a break?” he asked seriously.

“No. I’m fine,” the doctor sighed, “I just. It’s lots of talking. Me and Jen are getting pretty interchangeable again, fairly close to co-fronting, which we didn’t discuss. But, I can tell you guys are pretty much winding down, so it shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Okay. I have just one more thing. When did you record all this? And where? It’s all fairly elaborate…” 

“Oh, I made them about a month ago at my therapist’s office.”

Tony let out a breath, “Does anyone else have any unanswered questions?” 

“I do,” Thor answered, raising his hand slightly. 

“Go for it- if Bruce is still good.”

“Ask away,” Bruce returned. 

“Why did you need to be protected from your father?” he began. 

“Way to pull out the hard ones,” Bruce muttered. He took a deep breath, before answering. “He caused the first split. He caused most of the splits, actually. Look up the causes of DID and that might better explain it. It’s not good for team morale to talk about it.”

“Very well. I will use this Google you speak of. Lastly, I crave to know why is Robert afraid of males?”

“He’s scared of what they could do to him. Again, Google is your friend on this one, I shouldn’t get into it,” Bruce explained. 

“That is all for me, good friend,” Thor concluded. 

“And I think everyone else is covered too. Are you signing off, big guy?”

“Dr. Banner is going to take a shower, sir. He wishes to share the FAQs that were not played earlier if you do not mind.”

“That would be great, JARVIS,” Steve smiled. 

_ “How common is DID?”  _ the AI  started over the comm system. “It affects one percent of our population. That’s one in every hundred people. It’s not that insane that one of us would have it. Actually, considering our collective pasts, it’s kind of weird that more of us don’t have it. 

_ “Can you still be trusted in the field? _ ” Steve shifted uncomfortably at this question, locking eyes with Coulson. “The Other Guy doesn’t switch personalities unless he wants to or falls asleep. And if I’m helping, we all are. Our system is pretty cohesive, so if I need help, someone else will step forward to complete the task. You know the saying two heads are better than one? I just need one head to fill that requirement, if that makes you feel better.” Tony snorted at his friend’s weak attempt at a joke. 

_ “How can I help? _ If you mean how can you help get rid of the people in my head, you can’t. We’ve chosen to remain unintegrated, because they’re all people to me and they’re not destroying my life, so… it’s pretty good. If you mean how you can help with the other symptoms, don’t. The majority of my coping mechanisms don’t involve other people and for the ones that do, I’ve already incorporated you all into them, even if you don’t realize it. Just because you now know why my voice sometimes sounds different and my hand writing varies from day to day doesn’t mean that you’re entitled to coddle me or walk on eggshells around me. The only reason that you're getting this information is that you’re trusted enough to receive it. Even if you figured it out and I’m using this to explain. Even if Tony found this on my laptop during his nightly hacking to avoid sleep.” Tony smiled sheepishly at Coulson. “I wouldn’t have left them in one of the most obviously labeled folders if I didn’t trust you guys. I just needed to feel normal and they needed to feel safe before I could share. Sorry. 

_ “How can we tell the difference between each alter? _ You probably can’t, it takes practice. JARVIS can, but he’s known since like the first week I moved in and he has an eye on me all the time. And please don’t ask JARVIS who is in control of the body at any given time. For one thing, it could be a bunch of people and he usually only detects one. But also, it’s rude and goes behind our backs. If you’re not sure who you’re talking to and it’s really important to the conversation that you know, you could just ask us. And if you need a specific alter, just ask and whoever you need will probably find their way on top. 

_ “What are some of the symptoms of DID? _ It’s different for everyone, and for every alter, but our main ones include, and I’m literally reading off a list right now: anxiety and panic attacks, heightened anger, although the Other Guy and Devil are like a vacuum when it comes to that, flashbacks and nightmares, insomnia, inability to keep time, like you have no idea how bad it is. Um, I also limited dissociative amnesia, but nothing recent, and just normal dissociation, which is annoying and scary, but I deal. We had a history of suicidal thoughts and self harm, but it hasn’t been an issue for a while. So that’s good. Please just Google any of the symptoms I listed if you don’t know what they are because I think Web MD has a pretty good handle on them, and that site doesn’t have a good handle on anything.” Tony smirked at that.

_ “How did we not know before now? _ I’m a good liar. I use context clues. I might’ve been co-conscious or if I wasn’t someone could’ve transferred their memories of the previous events to me. It’s not like I’m just being thrown into a situation with nothing to go off of. And when you’ve lied for years, pretended to be someone else for years, it’s not all that hard. Plus, we’ve all agreed to pretend to be me most of the time in front of others and switching isn’t nearly as dramatic as you think it is.”

There was a pause and all the Avengers looked at each other. “That is all,” JARVIS concluded. 


	3. Chapter 3

All the Avengers, plus  their handler, that weren’t Bruce ended up trickling out to the common floors kitchen, thoughts swirling around them. 

“Is it weird that I feel exhausted, even though all I’ve been doing is sitting and listening?” Clint asked, ran a hand over his face to cover a yawn. 

“No, I’m on about the same page as you,” Tony murmured, burrowing his head into his arms, which he was using as a pillow. He suddenly sat up, eyes full of burning thoughts. “We’re all on the same page that we’re going to be the most goddamn supportive and understanding friends that idiot has ever seen?” he asked harshly. 

Steve held up his hands, “We’re not going to alienate a friend and a comrade just because there’s an illness that keeps him from being present all of the time. It’s not his fault and we certainly aren’t going to take it out on him.”

Tony’s shoulders dropped. “Good. That’s a… solid choice, Cap. One I can live with,” he hummed as he poured himself a glass of orange juice, which he promptly drained. “Is everybody okay to listen to the rest of the recordings, or should we tell Bruce that we’re calling it a night?” he asked. 

“I think we should listen to all of them now,” Natasha replied, “But we should go one at a time and regroup after each one. Make sure Bruce is still good to keep explaining, make sure we’re good to keep processing.”

“I concur,” Thor agreed, “Everyone should consent to continued sharing and learning.”

“Dr. Banner has finished refreshing himself and is prepared to continue if you all so chose,” JARVIS announced, “He and Miss. Walters-”

“Miss. Walters?” Steve interrupted. 

“She would be the alter you know as ’Jen,’ sir.”

The captain smiled, “Thank you, JARVIS.”

“The pair has decided that your collective presence in the conference room is no longer required and that you may listen to rest of the recordings in the living room,” the AI finished.  

Tony grinned, “Sounds like a step up if I’ve ever heard one. Ready, team?”

Clint nodded, “Let’s do this,” he smiled. 

They moved to the common room, settling into the couches as JARVIS told them that the next recording detailed Bruce’s inner world. 

“An inner world is a... place in my head. Okay, that's vague. It's like- it's like a location that our collective minds made up, support and maintain. We all live there when we're not controlling the body. If we're co-conscious, then it's like we're in between the House and the body, so that we’re, for the most part, aware of both. And if you're closer to the driver's seat in the car, then you're closer to the body and less aware of the House. Of course, this isn't how it is for every system, but I don't want to confuse you guys. It's just me, my alters and my fragments in the inner world, which is a house. 

“We have this huge backyard lawn area and the house is three stories with a basement. It's- There's no one else there, so it's possible to get lonely there, but we spend a lot of time in living floors, like the family room and the kitchen. 

"Some people are more closed off. I know Robert spends a lot of time in his room. So does the Other Guy, but both of them have been out more often. 

“My fragments, memory holders, whatever, they usually stick to themselves. Jen and Joe can talk to them, they have permission to go into their rooms and stuff. I don't. I'm actually only allowed to go into Jen, Joe's and the Other Guy’s rooms. My research alters don't let me into their rooms for whatever reason and I don't go into Devils room. I try to avoid him. Half the time I swear he's a persecutor." Tony squinted his eyes slightly, confused. He made a note on his tablet before turning his attention back to the recording. "But yeah, it's a pretty nice house. It's always clean, trash just kind of disappears. And yes, we do eat and no, it doesn't affect our physical bodies. We all look different in the inner world. Like, we look like ourselves. Me and the Other Guy look like the bodies you see us in. The Other Guy got turned into the body that he's always had. The- nevermind. I'll probably talk about it some other time. Maybe." He sighed, "But yeah. My room is pretty big. It's more like an apartment, really. I have a small kitchen and living space before my bedroom and bathroom. I have a small office, but I use the basement, which was converted into a lab sometime around my college years, more if I want to work. Rick and Doc will be down there more often than not. I'm not sure if they sleep, in all honesty. But yeah. I'm not really sure how to explain it, so, questions?"

“Before you continue, Dr. Banner wishes to ‘skype in’ with you all. Also, I believe that Mr. Stark covers all of the questions in the group.”

Steve tried to dim his smile a bit as he gave his thanks. A moment later, they saw an image of Bruce sitting at his desk in the office on his floor on the TV screen in front of them. 

“Hi,” he murmured sheepishly. “It’s me,” he added, as an afterthought, then, “Jen says hi, too.”

“Hey, Brucie,” Tony grinned. “Hey, Jen.”

Bruce relaxed a little on screen, smoothing his still wet hair before setting his hands in his lap. “JARVIS said that you cover everyone’s questions, Tony?” he asked. 

“Apparently I sure do, Big Guy. You ready to rumble?”

Bruce snorted before nodding, so Tony asked, “How do you maintain your inner world?”

“It’s,” Bruce frowned for a moment as if consulting his thoughts. Or maybe Jen, Tony realized. “So, we have to continue thinking that the house exists. We have to collectively remember where we live. I don’t know,” he ran a hand through his hair, but he didn’t seem stressed, just thinking. “I don’t really understand how it works, I just know I started it and that we have to keep it.”

“I get you… I think,” Tony said, “So your inner world is a house, is that normal? Are most people in houses, or-”

“None of this is normal,” Bruce laughed to himself. “Anyway, yeah. From some of the people I’ve met and research I’ve done, houses are pretty common. I have my own theories on why, but they're kind of downers and not everyone in the gang would be okay with me talking about it.” A sad smile brushed his lips and his eyes turned inward for a moment, but then he forced himself to focus again. 

Tony nodded thoughtfully, “I think I catch your drift.” He glanced around at those in the room with him, making sure they were all good to keep going. “You said that the Other Guy and Robert are spending more time in the living areas of your house. What does more often mean?”

Bruce bit his lip and his eyes glanced around his room for a moment. “I honestly couldn’t tell you. Time isn’t consistent for me. Sometimes I’ll be out for the whole day and it will feel like a week has passed and other times I’ll be out for an hour and feel like it’s been a minute. It’s better in the House, but I’m not in there for the same amount of time every day. I’ve just seen them more since I’ve moved here. I can’t tell you when it started, but we’ve been using locations to measure time forever so, that’s the best I can do.” Bruce shrugged, “I hope that helps.”

“Totally does. Um,” he glanced at his tablet before continuing, “You used the term persecutor, is that similar to a protector?”

“Um, no. Actually, they’re like exact opposites. Well, no, but.” Bruce sighed. “Persecutors try to tear the system down. They might be the ones to self injure or to bully other alters. They may believe that they’re helping prepare the system for an outside attacker either physically or emotionally. Devil… he’s not a persecutor, if anything, I was closer to a persecutor than he was. I’m not anymore, neither is he. He holds a lot of the emotions that I have trouble holding,” Bruce rubbed his eyes tiredly. “He’s just not good at communicating and neither am I, so… We’re working on it, with our therapist, but it’s hard sometimes.”

Tony bit his lip, and when Bruce looked up, he asked cheekily, “Is your house nicer than the tower?” 

Bruce laughed even as Steve gave Tony a disapproving look. “No, it's more homey, more personal, more lived it. I spent a lot of time there when I was younger so I'm very familiar with it. Some people can imagine their 'happy place,' mine was this house. It was where I went when things were bad at my real house. I just hadn't realized that someone else was coming out when I was in.” He frowned, “This was going to end on a positive note. I’m shit at being happy.” He shrugged unapologetically. 

“It suits you,” Tony allowed. “Anything else?” he looked around the room he was in, studying each of his friends’ faces. They all shook their heads. 

“There are a couple more recordings, right?” Tony asked, looking up at Bruce. 

“Two more, yeah,” Bruce nodded. 

“What’s the next one about?”

The doctor shifted uncomfortably. “Um. There’s one about my fragments, just in case you meet any of them, even though it’s unlikely. The other’s about some organizational devices and coping mechanisms I use.” 

“Which one’s up next?” 

“I mean, I recorded the fragments one first, but the order doesn’t really matter. Especially since you seem to have your heart set on listening to all of these tonight.” 

Tony grinned, “Glad you’re getting what I'm going for. Hit us up with the next one.” Bruce wrapped his arms around himself momentarily, before tapping something onto the laptop in front of him. His image disappeared. 


	4. Chapter 4

“Before  I start, I, um, I should make it clear that Jen’s edging on co-fronting right now. It's probably because I’m pretty anxious about this and she knows more about them than I do. We’re trying to stay separate, but. It’s hard.” The Bruce in the recording took a deep breath before starting. “So, you know about Robert. He holds my mom’s death for me. Then, um. So I stopped coming out after Christmas when I was four. I’d gone downstairs early that morning and I found that my mom had gotten me this complex model to make and I’d just… started putting it together. My- Brian found out and. And I went away. I’m sure that the Other Guy came out because he always did, but… I stopped coming out after that and other people started coming to live in the House with me. Jen and Joe were frequently around, but sometimes. Sometimes I would see this little girl, barely four years old, walking around. She would never speak with me, but. She hadn’t been there before. She- Beth- holds the memory of what happened after Brian came downstairs. She hurts, I know she has to. But she holds it for us so that we don’t have to remember and I’m eternally grateful to her.” There was a pause. Tony wasn’t sure if it was there because when Bruce recorded this, he had thought for a moment after introducing Beth or if after the fact he had cut out some of his monologue. 

“Um, before Robert was born, Doc was- Adults in the school we went to wanted to put him, Doc, on an IEP, since they thought I, but not really, was falling behind due to some sort of developmental disorder, which, sure. But. The way they wanted to do it was an IQ test and Doc took it, and. He’s smart. Smarter than most, even if it was safer not to show it. I could’ve been co-conscious during this or something, but we did very well on it, especially since we didn’t know how to fail that kind of test on purpose. They confronted Brian about it. He took it out on the body, the Other Guy. Now, Colin holds those memories. We believe that it’s a couple of events that he holds related to that, since before there were a few fragments that popped up after that happened, which was probably a month before I woke up, but we think they all integrated into Colin. He’s seven, like Robert, since all of my memory holders reflect the age the body was when the event occurred. There are some others, but they came about when I- when I was sleeping, some even before the House was built. I- Joe’s mentioned them a couple of times, but they’ve mostly naturally integrated into our system, so I have those memories now, at least vaguely, which means progress, so that’s nice. The two fragments that have stuck around do come out, but it’s usually just to have nightmares when I’m stressed or something triggering happens to them, which is why we all have to be careful about what we say. You really won’t see them because our schedule makes it pretty normalized to sleep in my room.” He sighed, but still sounded relieved. 

“But, yeah. That’s the gang. If anyone else shows up, I’ll tell you or record something else. Thanks.”

Tony bit his bottom lip. “Does anyone have any questions?” he asked. 

Coulson nodded slightly, “Only one.” He waited a moment for Bruce to appear on the television. “If we ever do meet one of these two memory holders, what would you suggest we do to help them either calm down or return to your House?”

Bruce blinked a little, thinking. “I honestly… Don’t know. I’ve never really talked to them. Um.” He tilted his head to the side slightly. “Okay, Jen says that if they stay out when the body’s actually awake, you should treat them like scared children, since they are. They’ll probably be experiencing some panic because they don’t know where they are. Um. Beth will probably do okay if you can calm her down enough to hug her, reassure her. Colin might try to fight you, even if he might be a little uncoordinated in this body. He won’t really be able to hurt you, he’ll just be lashing out because he’s scared. Neither of them tend to stay out for long but if they do stay out, it might be helpful to try and bring someone else forward. Jen says it should always be her, but Joe or me would work too.” Bruce laughed a little at something they couldn’t hear. “You’ll learn as time goes on how to trigger different people out, but if you do need help with getting someone out while Beth, Colin, or even Robert are out, you can ask JARVIS, but again, any other time, it would be considered rude.”

“Thank you, Bruce,” Phil intoned, his words further reaching than the doctor could realize. 

“Yeah,” the physicist smiled sheepishly. His eyes flashed away from Coulson’s face on his computer screen, reading something that had just popped up, from what Tony could tell. “Right,” he said quickly, “So if that’s all, there’s just one more recording. It’s… less emotionally charged, I’d say.” 

“Good times,” Tony grinned. “Everyone ready to start that one up?” 

“Yep,” Clint replied, stretching back into the couch cushions. Bruce blinked off the screen. 


	5. Chapter 5

"We have  a bunch of tools we use, not really coping mechanisms, but something along those lines, to keep us from going insane," Bruce paused, thinking of his word choice. "More insane. They help us work together better. We have a planner, notebook, type thing. We just try to keep track of who's been out in it, since our actual daily schedule is through JARVIS and his calendar. Everybody's in agreement to log in with it, other than the Other Guy, Devil, and Robert. None of them come out often enough for it to matter, but it can be scary to lose time, especially to the Other Guy. If someone's co-conscious with them, they'll log that time as best they can, but." He paused. "It's just hard when they stay so self-contained." Bruce cleared his throat, "Anyway, we also have a set routine for sleeping and eating and everything so that we can maintain the body, which is good. It was harder when we were on the run, we never had a steady source of anything and we were always switching time zones. A lot of things are different now," he said slowly, "Better, mostly, but it's still weird for everyone." 

There was a click, as if the recording had stopped, but then Bruce's voice continued to explain. "We always keep a watch on the body, like, a timepiece, not a... I don't even know. But yeah, the one we have let's out vibrates every minute to help us keep track of time. And if we're- I'm. It's mostly me,” he corrected. “If I’m having a panic attack, then it will start pinging every second to help us- me- breathe slower. It will do this for my fragments too, if they’re out and panicking, but they don’t respond to it the way I do. The watch also tracks our heart rate through JARVIS, in case of an unexpected Code Green. But the Other Guy doesn’t really come out without a solid reason anymore since he’s taken to spending less time co-conscious. He used to always be there because he didn’t trust me, but- Nevermind. 

“We don’t ‘take turns’ on who is out. It’s pretty much agreed that if we’re around you guys or at S.H.I.E.L.D, I’m the one that should be out. If we’re alone or in the lab, but not working on anything work related, then it’s more of a free for all, although I think Joe and Jen switch off on nights in. I’m not really sure. It’s probably going to change now that you guys know. Or maybe it won’t. I don’t know.” There was another pause before he started again. 

“Anyway, I do want to close by talking about dissociation in general. If anyone starts doing it, then usually they’ll just switch, but sometimes, for me, at least, I’ll dissociate, but won’t slip back into the House. I’ll just… hover. Above the body and no one else will take control for me. Time is usually the best way to come back into the body, but sometimes tactile things can help. I usually carry around a worry stone, but in the past, I’ve needed prompting from either someone in the outer world or someone co-conscious with me to use it. Bubble wrap has been helpful. But if you catch me dissociating and no one else is coming out, it would be great if you said my name, talked to me about my surroundings. Touching my hands has been good, putting something with an interesting texture in them, too. But that’s about it. Thanks for sticking with me.” 

Steve around at his friends. “Does anyone have questions?” he asked as Bruce’s image appeared. The doctor waved slightly, but didn’t say anything. Natasha nodded slightly and looked straight at Bruce. “You say ‘the body’ a lot, is that because you don’t connect the body to yourself or because it’s more polite to the others?”

Bruce bit the inside of his cheek as she spoke. Then he replied, “This is my body, certainly. I was born into it and I’ve lived in it for quite some time, but… so have they. Although it’s not the body that they think they should have or that they believe they were born into, it’s the one they can control in the outer world. So, I could just say our body, but… I missed three years of really integral development when I was little, so I grew up in a body that mimicked the one in the outer world, yes, but it wasn’t. They feel different. I’m not sure how to explain it. 

“But that doesn’t really answer your question, but I don’t think honestly can. Sorry. Anyone else?” 

Everyone shook their heads. “Okay, then. I have to text my therapist real quick,” Bruce rushed, “Since he wanted to know when I told you guys, but I’ll be downstairs soon enough,” he smiled anxiously. Tony grinned though. He’d been hoping to see Bruce that night, but he wasn’t expecting his friend so soon. 

“See you soon, Lima Bean,” Tony remarked. 

For the last time, the screen went blank as Bruce gave a little wave. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is certainly a change in form compared to all of the other chapters in this fic, but I felt like we all deserved some fluff.

“Why, hello  there, Tony,” Bruce laughed as his friend came up and pulled him into a fierce hug. 

The other Avengers glanced over from where they were now watching some animated movie Bruce didn’t recognize. He assumed that Clint had picked it out. The archer always seemed up to date on his kid’s movies for whatever reason.

“I’ve wanted to do this for the last few hours no matter who you are.” 

If Bruce’s grip got a little bit tighter after that, Tony wasn’t going to mention it. They let go a moment later and Tony dragged the doctor to the couch, putting Bruce in between the arm rest and the billionaire himself. It was fairly protective, but no one pointed it out. They understood that Tony was still terrified that Bruce was going to run away, and after admitting something as big as having other people living in your head, it wasn’t a stretch to say that Bruce was antsy to escape their possible mixed reactions of pity and skepticism. 

The physicist didn’t necessarily recognize that neither of those was being directed at him. 

“This literally makes no sense,” Tony groaned, dropping his head back against the couch. “I completely doubt that nitrous oxide would have those effects, first off,  but I'll suspend my disbelief. But that doesn't forgive that he's still an anatomically normal snail, so there’s no way that his body could withstand those kinds of speeds. He has to be going over two hundred miles an hour in order to be going anywhere near as fast as those cars. His organs would all be bouncing around in that shell. He’ll get like… lung concussions!” Tony protested, gesturing wildly. 

Clint leaned forward, sitting on the other end of the couch, giving the engineer an incredulous look. “I would ask if you realized that this was a kid’s movie, but I know that you don't care. Instead, I’d like to know why you know so much about snail anatomy.” 

Tony crossed his arms around himself, frowning. “I don’t come into your house and criticize your passion projects,” he grumbled sullenly. Bruce smirked next to him, elbowing his friend slightly. Tony suppressed a huge smile, allowing the movie to continue playing without comment. At least for the moment. 

“So you guys know how this has a Rotten Tomatoes score of sixty-seven?” Tony asked, looking up from his phone. 

“No, Stark,” Coulson replied, possibly indulgently. 

“Well, it does. And so does Date Night with Steve Carell. But the latter actually has a lower audience score-”

“Your point, Tony?” the agent interrupted. 

The mechanic shrugged, “I just thought it was a fun and interesting fact that everyone here would benefit from. My bad.”

Bruce held out his hand, rolling his eyes. The man to his left slapped his phone into it dramatically, snuggling up against his friend jokingly. Bruce pocketed the phone and pushed Tony away, forcing him to continue watching. 

“Okay, I’m calling bull,” the engineer announced. 

“What is it now, Tony?” Steve asked, rubbing his temple as if his super soldier body allowed him to get headaches. 

Tony gave a shit eating grin, “As a businessman, I can all but confirm that elaborate snail racing would become so tied up in government regulations that it would no longer become profitable.”

“I’m sure many of us want to know that,” the captain deadpanned. 

“Well, I assumed,” Tony assured him. Natasha snorted from her armchair. 

A few minutes later, the billionaire jumped to his feet, exploding, “Why the hell does this movie merit an end credit’s scene?!” he sputtered, pointing at the screen while turning back to face them. 

“How else are we going to get some comic relief from Chet after that comedy relief of an ending? Really, they were just ensuring that their audience doesn’t get depression from that edgy production,” Bruce answered sardonically. Tony tried to contain himself on how ecstatic that Bruce was back to his sarcastic self. He ignored that that was possibly a poor choice of words since Tony figured that it was less important than Bruce getting one more lie off his shoulders. 

He knew that he maybe won’t know everything about the enigma that was Bruce Banner, but at least he was getting closer to the things that were central to the scientist’s existence. Maybe someday he’d understand what it meant to be friends with all of the people who helped Bruce survive long enough to allow Tony meet this man, in addition to the doctor sitting next to him. 

**Author's Note:**

> If you have any questions about how DID works or how it works for Bruce, feel free to ask in comments and I'll answer your question there and then work to add a brief explanation into the book itself so that I can help minimize confusion for others too. Thanks!


End file.
